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Chelsea Handler in Vancouver, Win Tickets

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:25am PDT
Comments 83

Comediene Chelsea Handler is coming to Vancouver, appearing at the Orpheum Saturday February 19th. Handler’s a talk show host, best-selling author, actress, and in recent months she hosted the MTV awards.

Chelsea Handler
I did not take this photo. It is courtesy of CTV – E!

She’s crude, quick-witted, and loves to rant about female issues. Tickets are currently on sale for this night of comedy with Chelsea, and opener Brad Wollack, and I also have a pair to give away.

Here’s how you can enter to win:

  • In the comments, leave me your best one-liner. A simple joke (don’t mind the cheese) but keep it short and sweet. (1 entry)
  • Post the following on Twitter (1 entry)
  • I entered to win tickets to see #ChelseaHandler in #Vancouver from @Miss604

    I will draw one winner Thursday February 17th and they will have two tickets waiting for them at the Orpheum box office this weekend.

    Update I have a second pair of tickets to give away (my own, since I’ll still be in Africa on Saturday).

    Update The winners are @Elain_Evans and Shawn – congratulations!

    Current contests on


    1. Michael krochter says:

      How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.


    2. Xing says:

      What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

    3. Carlos says:

      Light travels faster then sound… which is why most people appear brilliant until you hear them.

    4. CarbinaGal says:

      What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 40 pounds.

    5. Sumi says:

      A man walks into a bar….ouch!

    6. Jen says:

      I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    7. Linda says:

      the shinbone is only good for one thing – finding furniture in a dark room


    8. alex says:

      A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Hey…Why the long face?”

    9. Kelli says:

      Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

    10. Maggie says:

      I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    11. Sophie M says:

      Having sex is like playing bridge…if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand

    12. Matthew says:

      I have a new appreciation for bacteria after realizing it’s the only culture some people have.

    13. Jenn says:

      women might be able to fake orgasms. but men can fake a whole relationship

    14. vanessa says:

      what do you call a deer with no eyes?

      i have no i-deer!

    15. Sydney says:

      Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    16. Karen says:

      A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel poking out of his pants. Bartender asks “What’s with the steering wheel?”
      Man says “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts!!”

    17. Michael Kwan says:

      Did you hear about the world’s most frugal car? It stops on a dime… and picks it up.

    18. lori says:

      Don’t you have a GPS, no I have a M-A-P!

    19. Jenny says:

      Was your dad a thief? ’cause he must have stolen the stars and put them in your eyes.

    20. Sanaz says:

      Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

    21. Christine says:

      Two peanuts walk into a bar.
      One was a salted.

    22. Brenda says:

      Have you heard the one about the vacuum? It sucks.

    23. Sara G says:

      Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

    24. Sara G says:

      Also tweeted it! via @Calisara

    25. tracey m says:

      i also tweeted at iluvthegong. yeah the irreverent chelsea!

    26. Patricia says:

      What do cows do for entertainment? They rent moovies !

    27. luc says:

      A birthday is a good excuse to eat cake!

    28. Sydney says:

      Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


    29. Morgan says:

      When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first Brownie…

      ba dum chhh!

    30. Sydney says:

      I wasn’t sure if I should add my twitter account or not also sorry about the double
      Post early. New computer.. ๐Ÿ™‚

    31. Brenda says:

      Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
      He was charged with battery.

    32. Tracy says:

      What did the Teddy Bear after he was offered dessert?

      No thanks, I’m stuffed!

    33. Renn says:

      How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

    34. Vanessa says:

      Knock knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange Who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

    35. maria says:

      An elephant says to a camel, ‘why do u have breasts on your back’. The camel replies, ‘at least i don’t have a penis on my face.’

    36. Richard says:

      My wife is such a lousy cook the flies pitched in to fix the kitchen screen door.

    37. Debbie says:

      a dog limps into a bar, and says – I’m lookin’ for the man what shot my pa(w)

    38. Davina says:

      Sounds interesting

    39. Davina says:

      Whoops…forgot the joke…Knock, knock…who’s there? Nobody. Nobody who?………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………*silence*

    40. rose says:

      Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

    41. Gurp says:

      He who laughs last thinks slowest

    42. Sandra says:

      What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

    43. Shawn says:

      A day without sunshine is like, night.

    44. Jewels says:

      “alcohol is only a temporary solution to your problems. which is why I use it for my temporary problems” ~ memoirs of a squirrel chaser

      [gotta love the internet]

    45. Paul Barriscale says:

      An dyslexic agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering of there
      was a ‘Dog’.

    46. christie says:

      The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. Just waiting.

    47. Natalie says:

      Knock Knock
      Who’s there?
      Tank who?
      Your welcome!

    48. Man says to woman in bar: ‘Can I buy you a drink’?
      Woman replies: ‘No thanks. I’d rather just have the five bucks!’

    49. Jackie says:

      Oh your dating my ex? Cool. I’m eating a sandwich… You want those leftovers too?

    50. @Elain_Evans says:

      I’m 6’2” so people ask me often if I play basketball, my response? “No, do you play miniature golf?”

    51. Spencer says:

      Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

    52. C Dub says:

      Jesus loves you… it’s everyone else that thinks you’re an a-hole!

    53. Richard says:

      What’s the difference between a porcupine and a porsche…..a porcupine has the prick on the outside. ๐Ÿ™‚

    54. Eleazar says:

      “your name must be Oil of Olay….cause you just got the wrinkles out of my C#ck”

    55. Michelle says:

      What did one ocean say to the other ocean. Nothing. They just waved.

    56. Teresa K says:

      Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana.

    57. Ennie says:

      What’s the most dangerous star?
      A shooting star!

    58. Bradley says:

      They say kids are the future and that terrifies me because kids make really really bad decisions

    59. Roger says:

      A friend to all is a friend to none.

    60. Tooth Fairy says:

      Q:What did the vampire call his false teeth?
      A:A new fangled device.

    61. a realist says:

      totally astonished that someone so prudish would promote chelsea handler. have you been ***ed lately?

    62. Rebecca Bollwitt says:

      I approved the comment above because it’s probably one of the most hilarious ones that has been submitted so far ๐Ÿ˜‰ You should have seen the fake email address they used too…

    63. Lyndsey says:

      I named my junk* ‘Justin Bieber’ because it makes girls cry, has a terrible voice, & it REALLY needs a friggin’ haircut!

      (*see: man unit, bieber-bits)

    64. Jen says:

      Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. ๐Ÿ™‚

    65. Chris says:

      I can’t tell you if money buys happiness, but I can tell you that being poor doesn’t.

    66. Michael says:

      รขโ‚ฌล“Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times.” (Mark Twain)

    67. Micaela says:

      Where should you never take a vampire on a date? A stake house.

    68. Melody says:

      What’s brown and sticky?
      A stick!

    69. Angela says:

      What did the bra say to the hat?
      “You go on a-head, I’ll give these two a lift!”

    70. Kevin Kelm says:

      The only difference between a skunk and a skank is u

    71. Zameena Rajani says:

      Why didn’t the chicken cross the street?

      Because there was KFC on the other side.

    72. Andrew C. says:

      What’s brown and sticky – a stick

    73. Grace says:

      LOVE the ‘handler’!

    74. Carmel says:

      Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

    75. carlz says:

      How do trees get on the internet …

      They Log on !!

    76. RS says:

      Why did the chicken cross the road?
      – For fun (lol)

    77. Marina says:

      Why don’t aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

    78. Shawn says:

      How do you know that you dont have a good joke?
      When you desperately post this to win tickets to Chelsea Handler. ๐Ÿ™‚

    79. Flakky says:

      Some mama is so fat she tried to get an all over tan and the sun burnt out.

    80. Lily says:

      I entered to win tickets to see #ChelseaHandler in #Vancouver from @Miss604

    81. Ann says:

      Knock knock… who is there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry! (yes the joke is a sucky one, but that is all I could come up with!)

    82. Mav says:

      Oh life is so funny.

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