Chelsea Handler in Vancouver, Win Tickets

Comments 83 by Rebecca Bollwitt

Comediene Chelsea Handler is coming to Vancouver, appearing at the Orpheum Saturday February 19th. Handler’s a talk show host, best-selling author, actress, and in recent months she hosted the MTV awards.

Chelsea Handler
I did not take this photo. It is courtesy of CTV – E!

She’s crude, quick-witted, and loves to rant about female issues. Tickets are currently on sale for this night of comedy with Chelsea, and opener Brad Wollack, and I also have a pair to give away.

Here’s how you can enter to win:

  • In the comments, leave me your best one-liner. A simple joke (don’t mind the cheese) but keep it short and sweet. (1 entry)
  • Post the following on Twitter (1 entry)
  • I entered to win tickets to see #ChelseaHandler in #Vancouver from @Miss604 http://ow.ly/3WWNy

    I will draw one winner Thursday February 17th and they will have two tickets waiting for them at the Orpheum box office this weekend.

    Update I have a second pair of tickets to give away (my own, since I’ll still be in Africa on Saturday).

    Update The winners are @Elain_Evans and Shawn – congratulations!

    Current Contests on Miss604
    *All contests are open to residents of Canada only, unless otherwise stated. Contest timelines are published on each individual post along with entry methods. Some contests may only be open to those 19 years of age and older. Winners are announced on the contest blog posts. Contest policy »

    83 Comments  —  Comments Are Closed

    1. Michael krochterTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:30am PST

      How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.

      LOL

    2. XingTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:32am PST

      What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

    3. CarlosTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:33am PST

      Light travels faster then sound… which is why most people appear brilliant until you hear them.

    4. CarbinaGalTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:33am PST

      What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 40 pounds.

    5. SumiTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:36am PST

      A man walks into a bar….ouch!

    6. JenTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:46am PST

      I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    7. LindaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:55am PST

      the shinbone is only good for one thing – finding furniture in a dark room

      @jadersyo

    8. alexTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:56am PST

      A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Hey…Why the long face?”

    9. KelliTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:02am PST

      Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

    10. MaggieTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:08am PST

      I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    11. Sophie MTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:31am PST

      Having sex is like playing bridge…if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand

    12. MatthewTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:43am PST

      I have a new appreciation for bacteria after realizing it’s the only culture some people have.

    13. JennTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:46am PST

      women might be able to fake orgasms. but men can fake a whole relationship

    14. vanessaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 12:04pm PST

      what do you call a deer with no eyes?

      i have no i-deer!

    15. SydneyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 12:13pm PST

      Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    16. KarenTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 1:28pm PST

      A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel poking out of his pants. Bartender asks “What’s with the steering wheel?”
      Man says “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts!!”

    17. Michael KwanTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 2:05pm PST

      Did you hear about the world’s most frugal car? It stops on a dime… and picks it up.

    18. loriTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 2:16pm PST

      Don’t you have a GPS, no I have a M-A-P!

    19. JennyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 2:53pm PST

      Was your dad a thief? ’cause he must have stolen the stars and put them in your eyes.

    20. SanazTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 3:26pm PST

      Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

    21. ChristineTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 4:02pm PST

      Two peanuts walk into a bar.
      One was a salted.

    22. BrendaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 4:30pm PST

      Have you heard the one about the vacuum? It sucks.

    23. Sara GTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 6:27pm PST

      Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

    24. Sara GTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 6:29pm PST

      Also tweeted it! via @Calisara

    25. tracey mTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 7:25pm PST

      i also tweeted at iluvthegong. yeah the irreverent chelsea!

    26. PatriciaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 7:52pm PST

      What do cows do for entertainment? They rent moovies !

    27. lucTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:15pm PST

      A birthday is a good excuse to eat cake!

    28. SydneyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:22pm PST

      Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

      @sydsational

    29. MorganTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:22pm PST

      When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first Brownie…

      ba dum chhh!

    30. SydneyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:23pm PST

      I wasn’t sure if I should add my twitter account or not also sorry about the double
      Post early. New computer.. ๐Ÿ™‚

    31. BrendaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:56pm PST

      Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
      He was charged with battery.

    32. TracyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 9:01pm PST

      What did the Teddy Bear after he was offered dessert?

      No thanks, I’m stuffed!

    33. RennTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 9:43pm PST

      How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

    34. VanessaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 9:43pm PST

      Knock knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange Who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

    35. mariaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 9:43pm PST

      An elephant says to a camel, ‘why do u have breasts on your back’. The camel replies, ‘at least i don’t have a penis on my face.’

    36. RichardTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:03pm PST

      My wife is such a lousy cook the flies pitched in to fix the kitchen screen door.

    37. DebbieTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:24pm PST

      a dog limps into a bar, and says – I’m lookin’ for the man what shot my pa(w)

    38. DavinaWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 12:02am PST

      Sounds interesting

    39. DavinaWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 12:03am PST

      Whoops…forgot the joke…Knock, knock…who’s there? Nobody. Nobody who?………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………*silence*

    40. roseWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 12:33am PST

      Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

    41. GurpWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:26am PST

      He who laughs last thinks slowest

    42. SandraWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:14am PST

      What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
      Polaroids

    43. ShawnWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:31am PST

      A day without sunshine is like, night.

    44. JewelsWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:59am PST

      “alcohol is only a temporary solution to your problems. which is why I use it for my temporary problems” ~ memoirs of a squirrel chaser

      [gotta love the internet]

    45. Paul BarriscaleWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 11:19am PST

      An dyslexic agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering of there
      was a ‘Dog’.

    46. christieWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 1:35pm PST

      The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. Just waiting.

    47. NatalieWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 1:40pm PST

      Knock Knock
      Who’s there?
      Tank!
      Tank who?
      Your welcome!

    48. MICHELLE JONESWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:08pm PST

      Man says to woman in bar: ‘Can I buy you a drink’?
      Woman replies: ‘No thanks. I’d rather just have the five bucks!’

    49. JackieWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:23pm PST

      Oh your dating my ex? Cool. I’m eating a sandwich… You want those leftovers too?

    50. @Elain_EvansWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:23pm PST

      I’m 6’2” so people ask me often if I play basketball, my response? “No, do you play miniature golf?”

    51. SpencerWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:35pm PST

      Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

    52. C DubWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:38pm PST

      Jesus loves you… it’s everyone else that thinks you’re an a-hole!

    53. RichardWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:44pm PST

      What’s the difference between a porcupine and a porsche…..a porcupine has the prick on the outside. ๐Ÿ™‚

    54. EleazarWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:00pm PST

      “your name must be Oil of Olay….cause you just got the wrinkles out of my C#ck”

    55. MichelleWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:19pm PST

      What did one ocean say to the other ocean. Nothing. They just waved.

    56. Teresa KWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:35pm PST

      Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana.

    57. EnnieWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:45pm PST

      What’s the most dangerous star?
      A shooting star!

    58. BradleyWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:56pm PST

      They say kids are the future and that terrifies me because kids make really really bad decisions

    59. RogerWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 10:09pm PST

      A friend to all is a friend to none.

    60. Tooth FairyWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 10:16pm PST

      Q:What did the vampire call his false teeth?
      A:A new fangled device.

    61. a realistWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 10:28pm PST

      totally astonished that someone so prudish would promote chelsea handler. have you been ***ed lately?

    62. Rebecca BollwittWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 10:45pm PST

      I approved the comment above because it’s probably one of the most hilarious ones that has been submitted so far ๐Ÿ˜‰ You should have seen the fake email address they used too…

    63. Tooth FairyWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 11:03pm PST

      http://twitter.com/toothfairycyber/status/38119760805761024
      tweet

    64. LyndseyWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 11:14pm PST

      I named my junk* ‘Justin Bieber’ because it makes girls cry, has a terrible voice, & it REALLY needs a friggin’ haircut!

      (*see: man unit, bieber-bits)

    65. JenThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 12:50am PST

      Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. ๐Ÿ™‚

    66. ChrisThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 4:46am PST

      I can’t tell you if money buys happiness, but I can tell you that being poor doesn’t.

    67. MichaelThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 7:15am PST

      รขโ‚ฌล“Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times.” (Mark Twain)

    68. MicaelaThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 9:39am PST

      Where should you never take a vampire on a date? A stake house.

    69. MelodyThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 10:58am PST

      What’s brown and sticky?
      A stick!

    70. AngelaThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 12:11pm PST

      What did the bra say to the hat?
      “You go on a-head, I’ll give these two a lift!”

    71. Kevin KelmThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 12:26pm PST

      The only difference between a skunk and a skank is u

    72. Zameena RajaniThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 9:34pm PST

      Why didn’t the chicken cross the street?

      Because there was KFC on the other side.

    73. Andrew C.Thursday, February 17th, 2011 — 10:55pm PST

      What’s brown and sticky – a stick

    74. GraceThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 10:57pm PST

      LOVE the ‘handler’!

    75. CarmelThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 10:58pm PST

      Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

    76. carlzThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 11:02pm PST

      How do trees get on the internet …

      They Log on !!

    77. RSThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 11:04pm PST

      Why did the chicken cross the road?
      – For fun (lol)

    78. MarinaThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 11:08pm PST

      Why don’t aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

    79. ShawnThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 11:10pm PST

      How do you know that you dont have a good joke?
      When you desperately post this to win tickets to Chelsea Handler. ๐Ÿ™‚

    80. FlakkyFriday, February 18th, 2011 — 12:05am PST

      Some mama is so fat she tried to get an all over tan and the sun burnt out.

    81. LilySunday, February 20th, 2011 — 1:44pm PST

      I entered to win tickets to see #ChelseaHandler in #Vancouver from @Miss604 http://ow.ly/3WWNy

    82. AnnMonday, February 21st, 2011 — 11:21am PST

      Knock knock… who is there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry! (yes the joke is a sucky one, but that is all I could come up with!)

    83. MavMonday, February 21st, 2011 — 6:25pm PST

      Oh life is so funny.

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