Chelsea Handler in Vancouver, Win Tickets

Comments 83 by Rebecca Bollwitt

Comediene Chelsea Handler is coming to Vancouver, appearing at the Orpheum Saturday February 19th. Handler’s a talk show host, best-selling author, actress, and in recent months she hosted the MTV awards.

Chelsea Handler
I did not take this photo. It is courtesy of CTV – E!

She’s crude, quick-witted, and loves to rant about female issues. Tickets are currently on sale for this night of comedy with Chelsea, and opener Brad Wollack, and I also have a pair to give away.

Here’s how you can enter to win:

  • In the comments, leave me your best one-liner. A simple joke (don’t mind the cheese) but keep it short and sweet. (1 entry)
  • Post the following on Twitter (1 entry)
  • I entered to win tickets to see #ChelseaHandler in #Vancouver from @Miss604

    I will draw one winner Thursday February 17th and they will have two tickets waiting for them at the Orpheum box office this weekend.

    Update I have a second pair of tickets to give away (my own, since I’ll still be in Africa on Saturday).

    Update The winners are @Elain_Evans and Shawn – congratulations!

    83 Comments  —  Comments Are Closed

    1. Michael krochterTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:30am PST

      How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.


    2. XingTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:32am PST

      What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

    3. CarlosTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:33am PST

      Light travels faster then sound… which is why most people appear brilliant until you hear them.

    4. CarbinaGalTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:33am PST

      What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 40 pounds.

    5. SumiTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:36am PST

      A man walks into a bar….ouch!

    6. JenTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:46am PST

      I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    7. LindaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:55am PST

      the shinbone is only good for one thing – finding furniture in a dark room


    8. alexTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:56am PST

      A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Hey…Why the long face?”

    9. KelliTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:02am PST

      Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

    10. MaggieTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:08am PST

      I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    11. Sophie MTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:31am PST

      Having sex is like playing bridge…if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand

    12. MatthewTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:43am PST

      I have a new appreciation for bacteria after realizing it’s the only culture some people have.

    13. JennTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 11:46am PST

      women might be able to fake orgasms. but men can fake a whole relationship

    14. vanessaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 12:04pm PST

      what do you call a deer with no eyes?

      i have no i-deer!

    15. SydneyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 12:13pm PST

      Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    16. KarenTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 1:28pm PST

      A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel poking out of his pants. Bartender asks “What’s with the steering wheel?”
      Man says “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts!!”

    17. Michael KwanTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 2:05pm PST

      Did you hear about the world’s most frugal car? It stops on a dime… and picks it up.

    18. loriTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 2:16pm PST

      Don’t you have a GPS, no I have a M-A-P!

    19. JennyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 2:53pm PST

      Was your dad a thief? ’cause he must have stolen the stars and put them in your eyes.

    20. SanazTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 3:26pm PST

      Drink wet cement and get really stoned.

    21. ChristineTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 4:02pm PST

      Two peanuts walk into a bar.
      One was a salted.

    22. BrendaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 4:30pm PST

      Have you heard the one about the vacuum? It sucks.

    23. Sara GTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 6:27pm PST

      Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

    24. Sara GTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 6:29pm PST

      Also tweeted it! via @Calisara

    25. tracey mTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 7:25pm PST

      i also tweeted at iluvthegong. yeah the irreverent chelsea!

    26. PatriciaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 7:52pm PST

      What do cows do for entertainment? They rent moovies !

    27. lucTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:15pm PST

      A birthday is a good excuse to eat cake!

    28. SydneyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:22pm PST

      Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


    29. MorganTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:22pm PST

      When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first Brownie…

      ba dum chhh!

    30. SydneyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:23pm PST

      I wasn’t sure if I should add my twitter account or not also sorry about the double
      Post early. New computer.. 🙂

    31. BrendaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 8:56pm PST

      Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
      He was charged with battery.

    32. TracyTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 9:01pm PST

      What did the Teddy Bear after he was offered dessert?

      No thanks, I’m stuffed!

    33. RennTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 9:43pm PST

      How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

    34. VanessaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 9:43pm PST

      Knock knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange Who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

    35. mariaTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 9:43pm PST

      An elephant says to a camel, ‘why do u have breasts on your back’. The camel replies, ‘at least i don’t have a penis on my face.’

    36. RichardTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:03pm PST

      My wife is such a lousy cook the flies pitched in to fix the kitchen screen door.

    37. DebbieTuesday, February 15th, 2011 — 10:24pm PST

      a dog limps into a bar, and says – I’m lookin’ for the man what shot my pa(w)

    38. DavinaWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 12:02am PST

      Sounds interesting

    39. DavinaWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 12:03am PST

      Whoops…forgot the joke…Knock, knock…who’s there? Nobody. Nobody who?………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………*silence*

    40. roseWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 12:33am PST

      Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

    41. GurpWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:26am PST

      He who laughs last thinks slowest

    42. SandraWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:14am PST

      What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

    43. ShawnWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:31am PST

      A day without sunshine is like, night.

    44. JewelsWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:59am PST

      “alcohol is only a temporary solution to your problems. which is why I use it for my temporary problems” ~ memoirs of a squirrel chaser

      [gotta love the internet]

    45. Paul BarriscaleWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 11:19am PST

      An dyslexic agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering of there
      was a ‘Dog’.

    46. christieWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 1:35pm PST

      The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. Just waiting.

    47. NatalieWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 1:40pm PST

      Knock Knock
      Who’s there?
      Tank who?
      Your welcome!

    48. MICHELLE JONESWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:08pm PST

      Man says to woman in bar: ‘Can I buy you a drink’?
      Woman replies: ‘No thanks. I’d rather just have the five bucks!’

    49. JackieWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:23pm PST

      Oh your dating my ex? Cool. I’m eating a sandwich… You want those leftovers too?

    50. @Elain_EvansWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:23pm PST

      I’m 6’2” so people ask me often if I play basketball, my response? “No, do you play miniature golf?”

    51. SpencerWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:35pm PST

      Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

    52. C DubWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:38pm PST

      Jesus loves you… it’s everyone else that thinks you’re an a-hole!

    53. RichardWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 8:44pm PST

      What’s the difference between a porcupine and a porsche…..a porcupine has the prick on the outside. 🙂

    54. EleazarWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:00pm PST

      “your name must be Oil of Olay….cause you just got the wrinkles out of my C#ck”

    55. MichelleWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:19pm PST

      What did one ocean say to the other ocean. Nothing. They just waved.

    56. Teresa KWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:35pm PST

      Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana.

    57. EnnieWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:45pm PST

      What’s the most dangerous star?
      A shooting star!

    58. BradleyWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 9:56pm PST

      They say kids are the future and that terrifies me because kids make really really bad decisions

    59. RogerWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 10:09pm PST

      A friend to all is a friend to none.

    60. Tooth FairyWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 10:16pm PST

      Q:What did the vampire call his false teeth?
      A:A new fangled device.

    61. a realistWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 10:28pm PST

      totally astonished that someone so prudish would promote chelsea handler. have you been ***ed lately?

    62. Rebecca BollwittWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 10:45pm PST

      I approved the comment above because it’s probably one of the most hilarious ones that has been submitted so far 😉 You should have seen the fake email address they used too…

    63. Tooth FairyWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 11:03pm PST

    64. LyndseyWednesday, February 16th, 2011 — 11:14pm PST

      I named my junk* ‘Justin Bieber’ because it makes girls cry, has a terrible voice, & it REALLY needs a friggin’ haircut!

      (*see: man unit, bieber-bits)

    65. JenThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 12:50am PST

      Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. 🙂

    66. ChrisThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 4:46am PST

      I can’t tell you if money buys happiness, but I can tell you that being poor doesn’t.

    67. MichaelThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 7:15am PST

      “Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times.” (Mark Twain)

    68. MicaelaThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 9:39am PST

      Where should you never take a vampire on a date? A stake house.

    69. MelodyThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 10:58am PST

      What’s brown and sticky?
      A stick!

    70. AngelaThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 12:11pm PST

      What did the bra say to the hat?
      “You go on a-head, I’ll give these two a lift!”

    71. Kevin KelmThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 12:26pm PST

      The only difference between a skunk and a skank is u

    72. Zameena RajaniThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 9:34pm PST

      Why didn’t the chicken cross the street?

      Because there was KFC on the other side.

    73. Andrew C.Thursday, February 17th, 2011 — 10:55pm PST

      What’s brown and sticky – a stick

    74. GraceThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 10:57pm PST

      LOVE the ‘handler’!

    75. CarmelThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 10:58pm PST

      Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

    76. carlzThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 11:02pm PST

      How do trees get on the internet …

      They Log on !!

    77. RSThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 11:04pm PST

      Why did the chicken cross the road?
      – For fun (lol)

    78. MarinaThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 11:08pm PST

      Why don’t aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

    79. ShawnThursday, February 17th, 2011 — 11:10pm PST

      How do you know that you dont have a good joke?
      When you desperately post this to win tickets to Chelsea Handler. 🙂

    80. FlakkyFriday, February 18th, 2011 — 12:05am PST

      Some mama is so fat she tried to get an all over tan and the sun burnt out.

    81. LilySunday, February 20th, 2011 — 1:44pm PST

      I entered to win tickets to see #ChelseaHandler in #Vancouver from @Miss604

    82. AnnMonday, February 21st, 2011 — 11:21am PST

      Knock knock… who is there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry! (yes the joke is a sucky one, but that is all I could come up with!)

    83. MavMonday, February 21st, 2011 — 6:25pm PST

      Oh life is so funny.

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