You may remember his “Guide to Playoff Season Etiquette” so due to popular demand, I’ve asked my sorta brother Brad to contribute something else to the blog…
Well its been six months or so, time for me to attempt this whole “blogging” thing again. So i’m gonna sit down and give my legs a rest from jumping on and off the Canucks bandwagon and do my part around here. Actually i’m just doing this to shut Rebecca up. Just Kiddin’ Sista.
Well Christmas is fast approaching and everyone is starting to move around and scrambling to come up with last minute gift ideas that somehow make sense at the moment, but in retrospect will make you smack your head. And in some unexplainable scientific reason, this time of year causes people to react like barbarians on PCP. So relax people, its Christmas, its about love and helping the less fortunate and it has forced me to blog about it.
So i bring to you the Guide to Holiday Season Etiquette:
– Parking at the mall/stores: Ok i’m fortunate enough to live next to a mall so i just walk over and its not an issue for me. However lots of fights and vehicular damage occur due to parking spot incidents this time of year. Yes parking is tight, we all know that. We all know its gonna be hard to find a spot. You know this before even leaving the house. So when you are put in the “spot hunt”, don’t act all angry cause you did put yourself in that situation. The first step in avoiding trouble is knowing of its existence. So use transit or get someone to drop you off there. Simple as that. And if you still insist on driving yourself, don’t get angry during your hunt. Do not ever honk your horn in a parking lot. I somehow don’t think horns were invented for those high speed life threatening “parking lots” that cost so many lives. And it just makes you look stupid. Imagine that ICBC phone call claim. “Yeah well it was a 100KMH collision……in front of Old Navy” On another note, if there is an empty spot and you are gunning for it and so is someone else from the other direction…….there is no shame in giving it up to that person. Cause if you dont, they will get mad and you will come out to your car later and notice slashed tires and key marks on the side and quite possibly with a death threat scrawled in blood somewhere.
When parking into your spot, commit to your parking result. Confused? I’ll explain. When parking sometimes you enter the spot at an angle or crooked and a lot of people tend to correct it by backing out a bit, straightening out and re entering the spot. If a car sees another car reversing out of a spot, they will SPEED UP and honk at elderly people to get to that coveted spot. And when they find out you were just teasing them, you can expect……… yes you guessed it, keyed doors and slashed tires. If i saw someone do that, id let them get a good punch at your face before intervening!
Pedestrians need to be of caution too when it comes to parking spots. If you are walking to your car, there is a 100% chance someone in a car is following you to take your spot. So walk down the actual lane your car is parked in and dont do that “cut across to the next lane” crap. That just infuriates drivers even more in the mall parking lot and could seriously harm you. If its a mini van, id seriously suggest high tailing it cause it could be a soccer mom. Enough said.
– The bell ringers/volunteer workers: These people dont hound you, they don’t stop you and ask for your money. They just sit there with their pan and rely on peoples good hearted nature to make donations. So when you complain about the bell ringing that alerts people as to where to donate their money and want the noise to be stopped, you might as well go down to the soup kitchen and smack the bowl out of poor larry’s shivering hands. Suck it up scrooge, its a charity that provides countless amounts of help to people who need it. By the way that whole “oh sorry, i only have interac right now” line as the 27 dollars in loonies in your pocket is chinging away just makes you look like a jerk. Flip them a buck, it isn’t gonna kill you or cost you the house.
– Dont ask your friends if they are getting you anything. It makes you look bad. Seriously! For one, it makes you look cheap and bastardly by saying “well i’m only gonna get you something if you get me something” and it puts pressure and obligation on the other person to get something for you now. Expect a really crappy gift from them. Maybe a box of chocolates filled with nothing but the orange flavor no one likes. So buy people gifts and if they don’t get you one, oh well, you did a nice deed for a loved one.
– Ok guys, i have to say this one. If you are in a serious relationship and your girlfriend wants a ring, it is never ok to say to her “Maybe ill get you a lump of coal for Christmas, and with all this pressure you put on me, you will have a diamond in no time”. It may sound reallllllllly funny in your head, but i’m certain she wont share the same humor.
– Having a partner or family member that is born on Christmas eve or Christmas day isn’t a ticket out of buying extra gifts. Dont be a cheap bugger, so get them one for their birthday, one for Christmas at least. At at no point in time will they find it acceptable if you try to combine the two. Try all you want, but “birthmas” is not a real word or event.
– Some people go to the extreme and say “well Christmas is about Jesus and that person isn’t religious so i wont get them anything”. This is the polite way of saying “I don’t really like that person and will find any excuse to not buy them anything”. Very seldom do you hear this excuse, but odds are if thats used on you you are a very horrible person and don’t really deserve anything. Sorry.
– Pepperidge Farm Baskets, and Bath and Beauty kits, etc. are a polite and elegant way of saying “I feel i have to get you something, but i dont want to put any thought into it…..you aren’t even worth a gift certificate really” or “Damn you are so old and i dont know what to get you, so have some lavender smelling things and cheese”.
– If you and your friends have agreed to spend a limit on one another, that is acceptable. However if your purchase comes from your place of employment which you bought for a friend at a discount, you must get more of that item until you spend the equal amount of money. Sure the value might be more, but the amount of money spent was the same.
– If you put your gift shopping off to the last minute, you only have yourself to blame. Everyone at the mall on dec. 23rd is in a rush i would think. So that doesn’t give you the right to start power walking through large crowds of people and running indoors and treating everyone like you were playing grand theft auto. Kids get yelled at for running indoors, so why is it ok for an adult to do it through a large crowd of people running for the last Pepperidge Farm Basket?
Bottom line people, don’t leave it to the last minute. Do it now! Or else the demons will take over your soul and cause you to do unthinkable things. And if you still don’t, take someone else’s car to the mall…..just in case.